An up, and a down...

I've been a little silent on matters personal, but I can't keep silent tonight. I've been looking quietly for a new flat for several months. Our landlord had announced my current one is going up for sale. I finally found one that my heart wanted very bad. It truly was my dream apartment, and everything else fit in too- it was furnished helping with that problem- it was within my price range= and the timing worked quite good with leaving this one so I wouldn't have stuffed up my flatmate either. After no word for several days and me believing it went elsewhere I got an email that it was mine. That was Wednesday. I wanted to blog about it, because I was so pleased and excited, but part of me feared it was too good to be true. It was. Tonight I got an email that there was a mistake. It was given away by her partner while she was away Thursday or today to someone else even thought she'd already told me it was mine. It sounds like a silly thing to be upset about, but you see it goes a little deeper than that. When I left Canada to NZ I told myself that I had until I was 30 to figure things out. (You know- the big picture questions that you're supposed to be able to answer about life- where you want to live, what you want to do, children, that sort of thing.) Nelson is a place that felt like home. Regina didn't - enough that I lived there for 10 years I didn't aquire furniture- somewhere deep inside myself I knew I wasn't ready to stay. Just a week shy of my 30th birthday I found a place I would have delighted to call home- a place I had allowed my heart to love even before I lived there. And it was not be.

I have a real habit of not letting things get to me, because when I do- I care- a lot. And when you care there is the very great possible burden of losing it. I think that since I've been back in Nelson I've distanced myself quite a bit from my friends here. I loved it here first time around and when I realized I wouldn't find a job and had to move to Blenheim - I was very sad. I'm working a contract job again. The potential I'll have to say farewell again is very real. And so more often that I should, I just don't let myself care. Academically I have to say I'm pleased with myself for trying to get that apartment. I'm pleased I didn't yell at the woman who said yes and then no. But tonight, I'm so very disappointed.